Adjay77’s Memories…

Its a strange thing to happen especially when it happens in a place like 1Utama. More specifically in 1Utama Level 2 basement parking. It was about 11.15pm and I just had a particularly good, no wait, really really good session in the gym. I was happy and in a good mood all-be-it slightly tired. Well, while I was walking back to the car I had this tingling sensation that I was being watched. I didn’t see anybody so I went to my car and got ready to open it. Thats when the funny thing happened. I got ‘jumped’ from behind! Somebody was trying to steal my gym bag! Luckily the bag was slung across my shoulders otherwise it would have been long gone (I mean who wants to steal smelly socks, a damp towel, sweat soaked cloths and undies,and worn out gym gloves??) I was practically in a tug of war with my muggers, thats when I saw how they looked like. Oh, I so wanted to laugh out loud! There were two of them, skinny as twigs (I mean really), one as tall as I was, the other probably half a head taller, and I think we showed quite a spectacle if anybody was fortunate to see us. Short twig was pummelling me with punches and Tall twig was desperately tugging at my bag. So I did what comes natural to any pure blooded Sarawakian, I chose a twiggy, which was Tall twig (who was the closest), grabbed the front of his smelly shirt, did an over the shoulder throw (a judo move a friend thought me), painted an imaginary bullseye on his face, and rained him with nice solid punches non stop (thanks BodyKombat class)! I haven’t had a good fight in a very long time (although a bit one sided). I was having a great time, the adrenaline pumping and my mind was clear! I didn’t mind Short twig hitting me from behind. It’ll take more than that to stop me when I get going! All these months in the gym really paid off, the freeweights and my cardio (BodyKombat) classes! I didn’t feel anything! By this time Short twig was tugging at one of Tall twigs leg trying to drag him away from me, probably trying to escape. Tall twigs face was a mess, I think I broke his nose and it was bleeding non stop. When they managed to break free and fled, I shouted "Oi! Pergi mana sial?!" Oi, where you going shitheads?!" I was having a really good time and they managed to get away! Didn’t actually report the whole incident in. Why? Because it was pointless. Those two twigs are long gone, beaten and humiliated, I didn’t lose anything and nothing was broken. Only damage I saw was I scratched my favourite red Swatch watch!! Now that really pissed me off! Oh well. The last time something like this happened was getting jumped at Sunway Pyramid parking after a latenight movie. That was 5 years ago! So, bottom line is, I had an extra workout, high-impact version, with what I’m guessing are very very skinny drug addicts. My advice to all my friends, make sure your not alone when going home late, so you won’t be a target for these petty criminals. Always have a buddy with you.

Be Safe & Be Healthy. Laterz!

I can’t believe its almost to the end of the year. I can’t believe so much has happened to me it feels like I was dreaming. But in truth, it was too real for the mind to comprehend. There were times of Joy. Days of heartbreak and tears. Time for searching for oneself and peace of mind and heart. Time for healing and rediscovery. Its been a while since I wrote in my Blog, and now when things are getting better that I feel that I can finally share again.

The heart does heal in time, but the feeling of lost still remains when you put your mind, body and soul into something that you cherish. And when its lost, we feel like crumpling and disappear into the evening breeze. But even then, life will still go on just like seeds sprouting after a fire. It will grow and it will grow strong.

Actually this is for those who stood by me, comfort me, spoke to me, listened to me when I was at my lowent moment. They know who they are and I thank God that I have friends like them. Friends whom I can call Brother and Sister. Family. Even through the most painful of times, they were with me always, if not in body but also in spirit. Like a broken seed, a flower will bloom from it and I found that flower again to brighten my heart. Though it is still young, and the future still unknown, I’m happy that I can share again my Heart. Though slightly reluctantly, but surely. My mind is now towards the now and maybe towards the future. But I still remember the past and wondered, "what if..?" I almost forgotten my own motto during my fall. Carpe Diem Guam Credula Postero ‘Pluck The Day, Never Trust The Next, "Odes" (I.11.8) Horace.

I’m in a good place now, better, stronger. My mind, body and heart healing. Slowly. This is for you my friends. Thank You. Thank You from the bottom of my Heart.

The last time I entered a blog, It was the most depressing time of my life. A life then, which I thought was the pinnacle of my social and personal life. I woman that I Love and I thought I’d marry someday. And a social standing in the current company I’m in which I know I am appreciated, important and most importantly respected. My name is known by very important people in the society, which I decline to name and also in the advertising line (mostly other graphic designers, followed by editors and writers). Not like the last company I was in. Eventhough nothing much changed in my social life, I guess I messed up my personal life, again. But that was so many months ago. Hit rock bottom, withered there for a while, wondering what did I do wrong in my life…

But that’s over and done with. I’m on my way up again. Feeling a lot better, helped by my close friends who helped me in the worst parts. And colleagues who treat me nothing less than their equal. A friend and a colleague. I go to parties and gatherings now, meeting new people and experince new things. Currently I’m meeting more Japanese people and learning how they live their life simply and with humility. But don’t get me wrong, even with such humility, they can really party HARD! I’ve experience two Japanese parties and I’ve enjoyed both of them immensly. Who knows? I might open my heart again and let someone in? I guess in another 4 years? These things we don’t have any control. I never intended to open my heart, but I did. And I got hurt again. Whats hurting when its just another sign of living your life? Think about it. Emotions is a major part of living and without it, we’re just an empty husk walking without a purpose.

I’ve met people. Done new things. New people. New colleagues. New Interests. New confidence. New inthusiasm. Not that I didn’t have any before. Just now its from another different perspective. Its not that I’m forgetting about the past, my Heart will always belong to Her and whatever I’ve gone through is a cherished memory which I often relive in my dreams. I’m just wondering what tomorrow holds. Not the day after. Not the week after or the future. Just tomorrow. Will I get rained on again like today? Will I hit my knee again on the side of car when I was trying to pass through traffic? Will I receive an email from a distant friend or a special friend who has I have special interest in? Who know? I just banged my funny-bone and I’m typing this email with just one finger!

‘Carpe Diem Guam Minimum Credula Postero’ Pluck The Day, Never Trust The Next, "Odes" (I.11.8) Horace

I used to live by these words. And when I was at my lowest, I forgot about it. If I had remembered it, I wouldn’t have been where I was.It took good friends to remind me of these words and I thank them. Now I live it to the fullest every single day. Keep in touch with the people that I care for even though the most important show no emotion at all for me. Friends, relatives, family. I try my best even though I feel my efforts aren’t enough. I till have time I guess, and I’m going to use it to the fullest!

Missing. Caring. Yearning. Loving. Living.

What is it about our lives that make us make decisions that may change our lives or how we view our lives completely. The moments where you feel like your life either does a complete change-over or whack us at the side of our head and we feel like we’ll never be the same again. Finding someone. Losing someone. Or just making a decision and knowing we’ll regret it for the rest of our remaining mortal life. A decision we know we have to make for the better of everybody. A life altering decision. And everything is over and done with, we start to wonder if we did the right thing. We start to second guess ourselves and wonder what would it be like if we had made a different choice. What if had stood up for what we believed. Fought for what we wanted. For what we Love. For that person. For that moment. For the Life that might have been…

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in My life. Mistakes which I’ve regretted and wished I can pull back. I may not be the person that people around me know. I have secrets. I’m no Saint but sometimes I feel that I have the patience of one. I’m not being pretentious, it’s just how its been. Maybe thats the problem. I’m just too patient. Just taking and accepting whatever comes my way. Without a word. Without a comment. Whether it small insignificant things or heavy labor. I take it in as a man should. I saw a movie recently and a snip from it caught my attention. These words were spoken, "are you able to put the wife first before the husband?" Or something like it. In my mind, I think "are you willing to put the one you Love first before yourself?" My answer to that is… Yes. Yes I would. Without regret. And the funny thing is I’ve already spoken those words. A true man keeps to his promise(s). And I intend to keep to that promise. Come hell on earth, nothings going to change my mind except an act of God.

If a person is willing to give himself willingly to the person they Love, does that make them weak? Does looking through the eyes of others see that person as worthless and any less of a man? What right do they have to judge the choices that person makes? When it was a choice made willingly and unforced? Another snipped quotes from a movie,"action and reaction, cause and effect." Whatever choice we make in our life, there will always be some sort of reaction. Good or Bad? Nobody knows. But its bound to happen. And it all depends on the choice(s) we make.

I’ve made my choices. There are more acceptance of the choice then there are of regrets. I’ve lived my life to fullest these 3 decades and I’ll still live my life the way I see fit for another 3 to 4 decades. Maybe I’ll share my life with the one I’ve chosen as my Love or somebody who’s chosen me as their Love. Theres nothing wrong to dream. To hope, for a better tomorrow and to be with that someone special who’s made a big impact in your life. You know who you are and I’ve made my choice. No regrets. But it doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy Life. Only means I’ll be doing it alone for a while…

The Choice. To Dream. To Hope. To Love. To Want. To Need. To Yearn. To Not Regret.

I’m Alive!

"An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself , because this crack in my side causes water to leak out al l the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?"
"That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
And send this to any or all of your CrackPot friends within 5 minutes and see what happens! Don’t forget the CrackPot that sent it to you!"

Thanks Sunshine. This was a great and meaningful story.

Are You The One? - Scorpions.

Another rainy morning, people rushing by,
My head is still, in the clouds,
I dream with open eyes,
Suddenly out of nowhere, she came into my life,
Like we know each other, for quite a while…

In the sound of silence, time is standing still,
Somekind of bond between us, is giving me the chill,
And do you really wonder? That we can burn the sky?
Its written a thousand years ago, in the book of life…

Are You the One? That God had made for me? Are You the One? Who’s always in my dreams? The one who keeps me going when I can’t go on? The one that i’ve been waiting for, for so long?

Suddenly out of nowhere, she came into mylife,
Are You the One? That God had made for me?
Are You the One? Who’s always in my dreams?
Are You the One? That God had made for me?
Are You the One? Who’s mine Eternally?
The one who keeps me dreaming, when I am sick and tired?
Who gives my life a Meaning, till the day I die?

Are You The One? Are You The One..?

Have I Lost it? Am I losing it? The mind, MY mind… the feeling of heaviness, and numbness, waking up every single day after the day my life unexpectedly turned again. For better for worst, I’ll never know. For the most part of it, the feeling sometimes overwhelms me. It overwhelms me to the point that emotions are my better judgment, but my physical enemy. Happiness, Sadness, Depression, ANGER plays a better role of ruling my life for I sometime trust their judgment than those of others who would care for me. Do my mind hurts like a thousand thunders cracking in the evening sky, like the vengeance of Greek gods of old, to sooth such pain requires more than soft healing hands of an angel. Not of me, a mortal man chained to the world where the Seven Sins rule with an iron fist.

Pride: Never asking for help because by my own hands shall I resolve all conflicts, not wanting to involve other who might get hurt.

Envy: Yearning and wanting something that not even time can tell, hence when patience is consumed, the sky will fall

Gluttony: The endeavor of consumption of the best food and drinks gives pleasure to those who appreciates it

Lust: Pleasures of the flesh, to feel the warmth of the worldly sun embodied in the bodily flesh

Wrath: Through the haze of Mars Red, everything around me is consumed like a pyroclastic cloud from an angry giant. The mind goes blank and ones body is just a blur of motion

Greed: To share ones wealth which was hard earned to those who takes life for granted. To embellish without a thought of prudence, the naivety the human mind

Sloth: Heavy bones not cause of the passing years burdens my physical soul. When the mind and heart weakens, when the soul and the body bears no strength to do anything. The mind blanks into emptiness, the body to stillness. Laziness envelopes the person and nothing is done. Another sign of a tortured soul.

What is it that makes a man, a Man? Is it his physical strength to endure, is it his mind that can withstand the constant bombardment of the five senses? Or is it the fact that he can disappear within himself when he finds that what he hold dear is no longer reachable. Even after all his effort to remain calm and impartial to the possibility of losing in any form of battle. To a man, the worst pain is still the pain of the heart. Will he be strong enough to endure it? Will he be able to think clearly through the haze of fear, anger and mistrust? Will he look at the reflection of himself or blame others for his misfortune? So many things could bring us to our downfall…

The fear of losing his or her sanity from the shock or the loss of somebody who has meant so much to them. To be left alone again, in the darkness of the bottomless pit. The pit which he took so long to crawl out of and into the light. His mind aches. He’s soul is restless. Every single kind of emotions races in his mind wanting release. They say time heal all wounds, but how much is that is true? It differs for everybody.

The mind is so tired. So very tired. My strength weakens. My mind is numb. The feeling of not caring what should happen sinks deeper into the soul. Acceptance. That is the only thing we all can do. Again we sink into the darkness of our soul.

"Feelings and Emotions are of fragile things. Care for it as if you care for a baby. For when you lose the Light that lightens your Life, only Dark Oblivion awaits."Adjaymagic@yahoo.co.uk

Nuf’ Said. LaterZ.

There are some things that we can never be able to explain, whether it is the things that happen to you on the day, the things that happen to others or the things that you WISH that would happen. Who decides it? Do we determine what’s going to happen by planning things so in detailed we seem so obsessed with it? Or do we just let things flow as they should? Let it flow by at its own speed and just excepting whatever that may happen along the way? That is what I think that has happened to me. I gave up on trying thinking what’s going to happen to me in the future. What will I become?

Acceptance is a strange thing. Everything seems a lot more casual and less stressed. Feeling so blank at times it’s just a peculiar feeling. "Whatever happens happens." Whether it is good or bad, dangerous or safe, I don’t particularly care nowadays. Ever since I took on the concept of Carpé Diem a couple of years ago, everything seems a lot less complex.

Maybe it’s just because I’m so used to living life by the day and not worrying about what’s going to happen in the future. Not many people I know could particularly follow this style. The so few I know are mostly ‘free-thinkers’. A group that some people would think as heretics. Just because they don’t actually follow any religion or way of life. To me, they’re just living their life one day at a time, following their hearts to what is Right or Wrong and always remembering that there is always a Gray area in between the Black and the White.

I’m not sure if anybody would understand me. But I think there are a few people out there that are just like me. Meeting them is just like a rare uncut diamond, few to be seen and fewer that can afford. I started out to write about something else but now I’ve forgotten but I know it must be so depressing I automatically forgot about it! Or something else just got my attention. Who knows? I’m beginning to babble so…

Nuf’ Said. Laterz.

‘Carpe Diem Guam Minimum Credula Postero’ Pluck The Day, Never Trust The Next, "Odes" (I.11.8) Horace

It has been so long since I felt it, but each time it happens its the most wonderful feeling in my heart it feels like nothing can go wrong. But in real life, here, now, thats just wishful thinking and whomever thinks that way is either naive ir just didn’t care. The problem is that I care too much and worry too much that its hurting me inside. But whats hurting me is small when its compared by the hurt of others. I just can’t stand seeing them so miserable, so sad, so helpless that they dont know what they’re gonna do. Especially if it involves someone you care about deeply. What should I do? Should I interfere? Should I help? Should I just stay at the sideline and just watch?? Oh, the delimma that I am in! How I wish to just jump in and end the charrade, the white lies and the pretence. Getting sick and tired. I feel like scooping them up and taking them away to a safer, happier place. And in the process making myself happy also. I’d rather sacrice myself then to see others hurt. Screaming and shouting inside but nobody to save me. My own personal demons has finally risen again and i’m being split in two. Should I forgo all my precautions and let my emotions, my rage, my anger out? Or do I stay still and bottle everything inside me til the day I die? "How I wish I could SCREAM… Scream till I lose my voice! Scream till somebody hears me! Oh woe for the heart that hath no place t’rest. Woe for the soul that hath no place to find comfort. For this heart has been giveth away. Belonging to another which could not be his…Or could it?" Oh what a sad sight I am. Weak for myself but strong for another. Be warned o’ for the oblivious, for Self sacrifice eats at ones heart and soul…But it takes another for the pair of US to finally be happy!

Nuf’ Said. LaterZ.

How long has it been? I have no idea. All I know its been a while since I wrote a Blog about things thats been happening to me. Since I got a bit of time, I guess i’ll just write something for my friends who managed to spend a bit of time visiting my Blog. You guys are the greatest.

As everybody knew, my New Year hasn’t been the greatest. Lots of shitty things has happened to me. But now i’m glad to say that things are looking for the better for me. Financially and Emotionally. I used to feel like I was in the slumps and I can’t spend hanging out with my friends because of financial constraits. But now things are looking up. After almost three months without a job, the current company i’m working in now is a Godsend. A lot LOT better than my previous agency. Better pay, better environment and colleagues who treat me not just as a colleague but also as a frind and family. The bosses are pretty cool too. And not just that, my job also gets me to mingle with the high society, celebrities and even royalty! Now this is what I call a JOB! It may not be advertising, but it sure as hell beats my previous employment!

Hmm, a new place, a car and my reliable scooter. I’m pretty much almost stable now after being a bum for three months. Just needed a bit more time before I can stand on my own two feet totally. And the signs are showing that things are getting better too. I watched X-Men III: The Last Stand on its premier with my best buddy’s (that was an awesome movie!). Yup, things are definitely looking up.

And this is a heads up for EVERYBODY that has helped me during my down period. Thank You from the bottom of my heart, for all the help that you’ve all given me. I’ll pay it all back, wether it was financially, emotionally or just simply just talking to me to help me forget, Thank You ALL. You know who you are.

Nuf’ Said. LaterZ.